The first six to twelve months after a breakup is often a pretty emotional time. Most people experience a kaleidoscope of feelings during this period of change – some are positive, some are challenging, all are natural.
During my first few months of singledom I experienced an array of sensations, often within a short period of time – I felt exuberant and excited one minute, and withdrawn and frightened the next. Apparently this is normal after a big shift.
The post-separation interlude is a time to grieve, take stock, find our wings and define our future. For some of us it all happens very quickly, for others it takes more time.
It’s normal to experience a flood of different emotions
Here are some common feelings to expect during the first year after a split:
Euphoria
“Yayyyyy – I’m free!!!” The feeling of endless possibilities and relief… singing “I Will Survive” at the top of our voice with a glass of champagne in one hand and a family-size bar of chocolate in the other. Our hearts flutter as we realise we can do whatever we want with our spare time – wow!
Overwhelm
“Uh… where to from here?” So many options and possibilities – what shall I do? Can I do this on my own? Can I make ends meet on one salary? How can I fix things when they break? Who do I turn to when things go wrong? It’s easy to feel like you’re drowning in a sea of questions and doubt. Take a deep breath and tell yourself “I’ve got this” – you’ll be fine… no – you’ll be great! After all, you’ve survived every challenging day in your life so far.
Loneliness
“I don’t want to be on my own.” Whether they were a good or bad part of your life, the chances are your ex provided comfort and familiarity (rather like an old sweater). When you’re feeling lonesome it’s a good idea to reach out and spend time with positive and supportive friends, or sit down and write a list of all the great things about being by yourself – you may be surprised at all the benefits.
Angry
“I hate you… I hate my life!” If you’re mourning the end of a relationship, the chances are you’ll hit a spate of anger. This is a common stage of grief. Personally I found my irritation would come in waves – I’d find myself fuming at my ex, then cross at myself, then resentful at happy couples and then pissed off at life in general. Anger is a secondary emotion – it never arises by itself. The best way to eliminate it is to work out the root cause and work on that. For me it was disappointment at the end of the “fairy tale” and frustration at the challenges of newly single life. Once I addressed these issues head-on, the anger dispersed.
Super-social
“I want to party hard and have some fun.” Many of us feel the need to get out, party and meet new people after a breakup. It’s a way to make use of our newfound freedom and provides a distraction from reality. Generally it’s a positive thing to do – spending time with friends, enjoying life, and getting out and about again. It’s also important that there’s a balance between partying, taking stock of our new life and starting to rebuild.
Living life like a hermit
“I just want to be by myself – leave me alone!” This is the opposite end of the spectrum. Again, it’s not a bad thing to have time alone to reflect and adjust. But again, balance is key. It’s easy to close off from the outside world, but spending time with friends and family is also important to receive outside support and keep things in perspective.
Jealousy
“Don’t you dare move on and be happy.” For me this was one of the worst emotions – that panicky feeling of my ex moving on and resentment at the idea of him living a joyful life without me. I learnt an important lesson during this phase – to simply focus on my life and my progress, and not to worry about him. I felt sooooo much better when I put my energy into me and stopped fixating on him!
Hungry for validation, company and sex
“Well, hellooooo.” Yes, rebound flings are a regular ingredient in the post-breakup cake. They’re generally great fun, an opportunity to rebuild confidence and an emotional diversion. But it’s essential to enjoy the moment and see them for what they are to avoid any secondary heartache.
Accomplishment and fulfilment
“I did it, I made it – I can do anything!” This stage usually arrives towards the end of the post breakup phase. It’s a terrific feeling as you first catch sight of the light at the end of the tunnel – that wonderful moment when you realise everything is going to be just swell. If you experience glimpses of this feeling, hold on and harness it as defence against more challenging times.
The post-separation road isn’t a journey for the faint-hearted. For many it can be a difficult and emotionally volatile time. But once you get to the end you’ll realise you’re stronger and more capable than you’d previously given yourself credit for. You’ll also notice that over time the waves of emotion become more gradual and further apart, which makes life more balanced and happy.
Riding the waves of early singledom
Here are some tips to help you navigate your way through this unchartered territory:
- Do what’s right for you – you know yourself better than anyone, so listen to your own needs and act accordingly. The more you respond to your emotional desires, the sooner you’ll be back on your feet and adjusting to your new life.
- Embrace it – whether you made the choice to be single or you were on the receiving end of someone else’s decision, make the most of single life while you can. If you don’t, you’ll kick yourself if you re-partner and you can no longer do exactly what you want when you want.
- Speak to someone if you’re struggling – recovering from a breakup is often as traumatic as dealing with the death of a loved one. If you’re finding yourself feeling sad, negative, lonely, anxious or depressed on a consistent basis then it’s a good idea to get professional support from a counsellor or psychologist who can provide effective and workable strategies to help you move forward positively.
- Find your tribe – Hang out with friends, especially those in a similar boat. If you have friends who have recently recovered from a breakup, tap in to their experience and tips to get through the tough days and enjoy life again.
- Plan a great future… for YOU – focus on what you want from your life and make it happen. The Fresh Start For Me program offers guidance and support to get rubber back on the road and build a brilliant new life.
- Do what makes you happy – Focus on the things you enjoy, don’t start activities purely in the hope of finding a new partner. If you spend time doing the things you love, you’ll be more likely to meet someone with similar values and interests when the time is right.
Are you ready for a new beginning?
If you’re ready to get back on track after a breakup, we have the perfect companion to walk with you as you build your new life. Our 10-week online program called “Moving onwards and upwards after separation or divorce” will give you all the insights, tools and templates to work out what’s important to you and where you want to be… and then we’ll guide you to create a workable plan to get there.
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